“Trees, trees, trees,”
Thought the lumberjack.
There were trees all around.
More than he could shake a saw at.
Then, it happened.
He got married.
No more cutting big trees like a big, lumberjack man.
Nope, now he’s got to hold his wife’s purse, again,
while she tries on yet another smock.
“Well, if you like trees so much,” the lumberjack’s wife asked,
“why don’t you marry them?”
So he did.
He got the papers (which were made from trees)
and he got her John Hancock
and he was divorced and then he married the trees.
A week later, he was hauled off to jail for sawing
his wife in half.
The economy, the oil spill, the confirmation of Elena Kagan, our ninth year in Afghanistan. Boring! What you care about are celebrities – and I’m here to dish out the latest! This is Celebrity Roundup!
In case you missed it, 24-year-old Amanda Bynes recently announced she was coming out of early retirement! Whew – that’s a relief! Maybe that long-awaited “What I Like About You” movie will happen after all. Let’s cross our fingers.
Laurence Fishburne’s daughter, Montana, has decided to make her film debut – in an adult film. She cites Kim Kardashian as a major influence in her decision. I have only two questions about this story. Who’s Kim Kardashian? And what’s an adult film? Anyway, congrats on the big career move, Montana!
Guess who’s coming to Oprah Winfrey’s OWN channel? It’s Rosie O’Donnell. Finally, Rosie will have a daytime talk show. Why hasn’t this been done before?
I wasn’t feeling well this week, so I went to see the doctor. It turns out I have Bieber fever – and the prognosis is not good! You see, pop superstar Justin Bieber is working on his memoirs, and a 3D biopic of his life is also in pre-production. Biebs, we love you! We love you, we love you, we love you!
For some reason, Charlie Sheen and Snooki are in the news. Maybe for related things, maybe not. I just saw them in the headlines and decided, why not, I’ll give them a sentence or two.
I finally figured out who Mary-Kate Olsen’s celebrity look-alike is. Salma Hayek! They might as well be twins!
No one is saying it, but the only reason that people are mad at Mel Gibson is that they’re jealous their insults aren’t as creative as his. (Or as racist.) Some people – like Mel – just have a gift. Don’t begrudge them!
This week, Ellen DeGeneres announced that she would not be returning for another season of “American Idol.” Her reason? She hated hurting people’s feelings. Ellen, though six more sessions of therapy still await me, I want you to know I forgave you a long time ago. Try not to beat yourself up.
Entertainment is dead. Mary Hart is stepping down as longtime host of “Entertainment Tonight.” It’s a sad, sad day in America. Maybe the saddest. Mary, no one can ever replace you as the most trusted source for (celebrity) news. But I’ll try. You would want me to.
I bet you can’t guess who is out of jail and entering rehab for 90 fun-filled days. Nope, it’s not me. It’s our favorite girl, Lindsay Lohan. Does this girl know how to party or what? And where can I find one of those beautiful leg bracelets?
Wyclef Jean is running for president of Haiti. Really!
You know who is primed for a career comeback? Patrick Swayze. Think about it – when was the last time you’ve heard his name connected with a project? And yet, everyone loves him! So, let’s do it. Give the people what they want: Ghost II. (Too soon? Not soon enough, methinks. Ghost was 20 years ago!)
Guess who’s been hanging out in Alaska recently? None other than Kate Gosselin and Mama Grizzly herself, Sarah Palin! In a lot of ways, this makes a lot of sense. In other ways, it still makes a lot of sense.
Meanwhile, Wasilla’s favorite on/off couple are… off again. After learning that her fiancé might be fathering another baby with a different ex, Bristol Palin told Levi Johnston to hit the road. You go, girl! No word on whether the relationship will be “on again” if any networks express interest in producing the reality show they pitched together in July.
Last week, President Barack Obama sat down with hosts from “The View” to discuss Afghanistan, the economy, and… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, I fell asleep. Anyway, they also talked about a bunch of other boring stuff. On the bright side, the hosts also asked him about Snooki. Yea, Snooki!
On Thursday, actor and former L.A. Laker great Shaquille O’Neal signed a veteran’s minimum contract to become a Boston Celtic! Hopefully, L.A. won’t play the part of a scorned bitter ex and blacklist The Big Clover from making more movies. I’m still hoping to see a sequel to Kazaam.
Rule one of writing a light-hearted round-up of celebrities is to avoid referencing any other comedians, like Zach Galifanakis, because people will immediately remember that guy is funnier than what you are currently writing. So I won’t mention that Zach has a film out, called Dinner for Schmucks, also starring funnyman Steve Carell. I haven’t seen the movie, but you should!
That’s it for this week’s edition of Celebrity Roundup. Remember, if you’re not famous, you’re not anybody. See you next time!
I wonder why Mel Gibson had to go and call his ex-girlfriend all those bad words. Whatever happened to calling a woman an easy glove or a loathsome toad, like they did back in Shakespeare’s day? And ladies, doth not despair. If you let your man know that he is a rank weed or a dishonest paltry boy, you’ll have put him in his place just as effectively.
So, go ahead, ladies and gents! Give it a try! You’ll thank me and Billy Shakespeare for it later.
(My wife crosses the kitchen floor, stopping at the window. She peeks through the blinds and, after a few seconds, walks away. We are expecting a friend to arrive any moment.)
Wife: I thought I heard a car door.
Tem: Maybe you heard a car door close across the street.
Wife: You’re probably right.
Tem: Aren’t you glad you have a husband who tries to make you feel like you’re not going crazy?
Wife: I’m very glad I have a husband who makes me feel like I’m not going crazy.
Tem: Who are you talking to? I didn’t say anything.
Wal-Mart finally achieved the lowest possible price. Free. Whatever was available at this historically low price sold out quickly. I mean, how do you pass up a deal like this? How do mom and pop stores compete?
I captured this scene on my camera phone a few weeks back. I’ll keep my eye open for more bargains like this, and pass them onto you, so we can share in the savings.
I’ve long felt betrayed by the Berenstain Bears. For all their talk about self-responsibility, not a single Berenstain ever took a good hard look in the mirror and asked, “Am I a magic bear? No, I am just a regular bear. Maybe then I shouldn’t talk and wear clothes like a human being!!!” How about it, Berenstains?
You are a very pretty tape dispenser.
I like how sticky you are all the time.
Whenever I need you, you’re always there,
on my desk, waiting to help me tape things.
And when you’re down, I put another roll of tape in you.
You like me to put things in you. We’re like glue, baby, yeah.
Remember that time I got tied up in you and couldn’t get free?
The school kids all laughed at me because I was powerless
against them, and they had pulled my pants down to the world.
But really I wasn’t “powerless” to them, I was powerlessly
in love with you, even still when they started pelting me with
sticks and stones below the belt. Our love is endless, darling.
Even when they ripped out every hair on my body with your sexy love tape,
while I hung there stripped naked, and at the climax of puberty,
I couldn’t stop thinking of you and how cute you are
when you’re angry, or when you have just come in from the rain.
Tape dispenser, I love you and long to be forever with you always.
Your adhesive juices are like honey to my lips.
[This interview first appeared in Insulinfunk on October 10, 2009.]
LOUISVILLE, KY – On September 26, Kentucky Film Lab’s Filmmaker’s Studio in conjunction with the Idea Festival, hosted a handful of workshops on production, gaming, and screenwriting. On that day, I sat down with director/writer/actress Domenica Cameron-Scorsese, to talk about Kentucky Film Lab, networking, collaboration, and some of her various film and theatre projects. Among other things, the conversation shifted to typecasting, her Pavlovian response to certain Paula Abdul songs, coming-of-age films about Argentine hermaphrodites, advice from Isabella Rossellini, “Tony and Tina’s Wedding”, if she still gets star-struck, and her relationship with her well-known mom and pop.
TJ: How did you get involved with Kentucky Film Lab?
DCS: Well, the scoop is that Veronica (Bero) worked with this lovely lady over here, Rebecca (Wright), and she was working with Arthur (Rouse) and they had a brainstorm moment and that’s how I became involved.
TJ: When did you first hear about getting involved?
DCS: Early spring, early summer.
TJ: For someone just starting out, what’s the importance of networking through something like Kentucky Film Lab?
DCS: What I think is really important about the film labs are the relationships. I think that people kind of grow in clusters as a group and you kind of never know who’s going to end up being the editor that you work with for the next 30 years. That’s how my dad met Thelma Schoonmaker, in working with her on student films at NYU. I met Veronica Bero standing in line at Actors’ Equity trying to get a time slot for an audition. And I think what’s wonderful about film labs is that you have people coming in – like-minded individuals – and they’re getting the same sort of training and tool kit. And it, instead of it being one of these, “I’ve got to go to this other fish pond” – what happens if, in order to make these projects work, somebody steps up to the plate and says, “Okay, I’ll direct this one” or I’ve got an idea, a story idea – “Great, I can hold the boom.” And little by little, there’s this kind of collaboration that can come out of a lab experience. It’s an intensive bonding session, and I think it is really beneficial.
TJ: You told WENN that you avoided directing for a long time, but you eventually got into it and have since won an award for “A Little God.” Why did you avoid directing for so long?
DCS: Two pieces to that. One, it’s funny how an answer to a question can be framed. I had been asked, “Did I want to work with my father” and I already had as an actor. And I said, “I did and I’d love to again.” If that’s that article? But these days I’ve been working behind a camera and working towards directing a feature. Oh, then it became, “Well, tell me about your directing?” Well, initially, I came into the equation that my mom is a writer, my dad is a director – acting was something that could be mine where I could play in that group, in that world. For me, theatre and film is a family experience, literally and figuratively.
TJ: I know how that is. My dad owns a small business and our family was always just involved. We just grew up knowing it was a part of your life.
DCS: It’s like you’re at the breakfast table –
TJ: Yeah.
DCS: – the moment where, you know, “Okay, I’m still working on this script, and I don’t know, what do you think about this?” And I go, you know, “I don’t know, are the stakes high enough there?” And that’s the conversation that you have.
So in terms of why did I avoid it, or if that’s the way it got framed in the article – I found that acting was the thing that was the most immediate for me and yet the more involved I became in storytelling, the more I realized, especially in the medium of film, I needed to direct. But I didn’t necessarily take that title. I think about it as filmmaking – and it’s so collaborative. So I found frequently what would come up when people would be like, “Okay, you’re second generation, you know, you should be directing.” There was an expectation and an expectation about what directing is.
And it really took awhile for me to just strip down to “Wow, I’d really like to tell a story about a moment of transformation in a woman’s life.” Very simple. And the part of telling that story was that directing was facilitating that story. It wasn’t like, “I want to be rich, fabulous, and famous, dot dot dot.” It was, “Mmmm, I want to tell that story. I want to explore that with a group of people. Let’s see where this goes.” That’s a long-winded answer to your question about avoiding directing. I just came through a very non-linear route towards it. And it really helps me if I think about it as storytelling and facilitating a story.
TJ: You’ve acted, written, and directed. Which of those hats would you say you enjoy more now, and has your answer to that question changed over the years?
DCS: Oh, it’s totally changed. Hmm, and it’s changed for very many different reasons.
I so enjoy getting to work with actors and really kind of focus on where it leads the story. The way that, I guess, things evolved for me was that instead of each layer of research bringing me further and further into myself, you know, where as an actor it was bringing me into a smaller frame. It kind of telescoped me out into the world.
So I started to see the role I was doing in terms of doing, you know, “Okay, what’s the family dynamic that I’m in, and what’s the time period? Okay, and how do I best serve this script, this telling – instead of being a smaller piece in a larger vision? And okay, isn’t that an interesting worldview that that play has, and look what the director is doing to that basic material.” So returning to your question in the land of what kind of hat I prefer, they swap out. And I also find that sometimes I act with people I have directed, directed their writing, and they’re now directing me. You know, all these pieces. It’s such a cool project, that there is no on-off switch. And the projects that I’ve been nurturing recently have been directing projects.
But I still get excited over a great role. And part of how I moved into writing and directing is that being five-foot-tall and through my physicality, I was frequently being cast much younger than I am, and I was only using a part of myself. And now it’s switching around and there are wonderful roles that are out there.
But I do want to add to this in terms of which hat, one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was by Isabella Rossellini when she said, “You know, if you want to have a career as an actress, you want to create your own material and in that sense you might want to have a production company, because as an actor, particularly for a woman, there are sort of gaps in – at least in film these days – where the roles and interests and types are.” So if you’re developing a story for yourself, then looking at producing and looking at writing, then you’re looking at directing, and moving through the world that way and then –
TJ: You’re giving yourself a better chance to be involved.
DCS: Yeah. It’s not so much of a magic wand situation. It lets you start to ask, you know, what do I want to do, what is the next step?
TJ: How did you prepare for the role in – What is your timeline? I don’t want to take up all of your time and you need to eat.
DCS: I do need to eat, but I don’t know where food is.
Student: Well, we brought you a sandwich.
DCS: Oh, that’s so wonderful! Thank you! You guys – you guys rock.
TJ: You going to try to eat and talk at the same time?
DCS: Oh, that will be challenging. But you know, multitasking, right?
TJ: Right.
DCS: I think I’ll start with the cookie. Anyways, you were saying about preparing for something?
TJ: I wanted to ask, how did you prepare for the role in the play “Four Roses” where you played a heroin addict battling her parents?
DCS: Oh, that’s very interesting and funny, because that was either my third or fourth collaboration with my mother. Because that was my mom’s plan, that was the first full production of it, directed by John Newland who was a wonderful mentor, such a gift in my life.
In terms of the preparation for that, I think the basic premise of that play was dealing in recovery from addictions. So I definitely did research around, around addiction and different models of recovery. But I found in terms of playing that role, it wasn’t about tapping into the outside trappings of, you know, a heroin addict, that label you put on it. It was about connecting to the part of me that could be – could be compassionate for somebody who perhaps didn’t have a great relationship with their parents and had certain tendencies, in terms of the preparation.
A lot of it was in the text itself and staying very clear with the dynamics and the lines that are on the page that are outside. Like a great handhold, like if you’re rock-climbing, by all means cling to the text.
TJ: The text as an instruction manual.
DCS: Brilliant. Very, very helpful. But it was about, for me, the very universal element you can tap into of looking for love, you know. And what love was for this person. Looking for that feeling. And when not receiving it, what she did with that.
TJ: Speaking of battling your parents, I read that you also were hoping to team up with your father on-screen again, but this time behind the camera. Is there anything in the works?
DCS: This is the WENN?
TJ: I don’t know. I don’t know if this is another mis-reporting or what.
DCS: You know – there’s not something in the works at this point. But, actually, both my mom and my dad are incredibly supportive of my work. And I’m really blessed with being given two incredible people in my life that show me it’s possible to do what you love, in terms of making art and moving forward with it, and what it means to accomplish your project.
So, in that respect, I don’t know, there are moments where if I’m trying to work through some things, I may call my dad and say, “Okay, so I’m looking at this,” and he’ll go, “Oh, right. Hmm-hmm. That reminds me of dot, dot, dot.” Wonderful. And actually, both my mom and my dad are incredible teachers. I don’t know if people talk about that with them. But my mom, through the Artist’s Way, and my dad, teaching at NYU and does occasionally mentor people. And really, they share their experience. And they’ll step back and go, “Okay, now you go out there and do it and learn from what you’re doing.” So, it’s a really wonderful dynamic.
TJ: I definitely feel what you’re saying, because I have supportive parents as well and I just feel incredibly lucky, to just be able to have them to ask, “You’ve gone through this –
DCS: “You’ve been through it before. What happened?”
TJ: Exactly. Now, at the 2008 Santa Barbara International Film Festival, you served as a judge and saw a lot of films. What stood out to you about that experience and what advice would you give to filmmakers who want to take home the prize from these festivals?
DCS: That was wonderful. I loved it. What was really wonderful was that I was part of the Latin Cinema jury. I was half of it. Hawk Ostby was the other half. What was incredible was to see how stories were put together, you know, and whatever the medium, in terms of was it shot on 35 or 16? You know, the look of it. The way that narratives could be expressed – I wasn’t seeing it in terms of conventional American film.
TJ: It sounds like you felt more like a student than a judge.
DCS: Absolutely! I felt like I was back in film school! I got to see, I don’t know whether it was 11 or – the thing I found was I wanted to give more awards. Because it was hard – it was apples and oranges and zebras and giraffes. I mean, each thing, when done – is its own piece. It doesn’t make sense to me, the competitive nature of it.
And there are still films that still stay with me. I mean, there was this movie “XXY” that I think got a very limited release, maybe in New York, that I think was out of Argentina that was amazing. Very interesting. Great performances. The film we gave the award to was “The Silly Age.” Very interesting and it kind of reminded me of some of (Federico) Fellini’s earlier works of a coming-of-age story in the midst of chaos and was pretty brilliant. And there was this other film that I thought, “How can you put this in a narrative feature context?” It was called, “La Antena.” And it was a faux silent movie that had all of these references to, like, noir films.
TJ: By faux, you mean it wasn’t really silent?
DCS: It wasn’t really silent. Exactly, I mean, they worked towards that. But it was done in that style. And it was just incredible to see the risks that people were taking and to see new ways of how a story can be approached. With a spin on it was – it was wild, beautiful filmmaking. And that was only three of them.
Then there was one where I felt incredibly uncomfortable watching the level of violence that had no resolution and perhaps no hope, no point other than, we have witnessed this, and we are left with simply witnessing this.
So in terms of looking at these movies, it so felt like film school. It was so interesting getting to talk to the other jurors, because Hawk is a brilliant screenwriter (“Iron Man”). We were divided up. I’m trying to remember if it was six or eight of us. We were in little, kind of units. So we handled our group. But it was me and Hawk. But I found there was a story that looked exquisite and wouldn’t it be really great to honor that vision?
And then there was this story about a hermaphrodite that’s kind of coming of age and, you know, in a fishing village off of Argentina. You know, how do you – with incredible performances – and, like, how do you put these films next to each other and honor them?
TJ: Apples and zebras.
DCS: Yes! All I can say is, it was great. I mean, I suppose there are lots of film festival strategies and you can get into the competitive aspects of it. But I think more than anything what was amazing about the festival is the sense of getting to meet other filmmakers, and to find new ways of telling a story.
TJ: For our anniversary one year, my wife and I saw “Tony and Tina’s Wedding” right next to Second City.
DCS: It’s happening right now!
TJ: And I read that somewhere you had a role in “Tony and Tina’s”?
DCS: It’s how I got my Equity card. I was Tina.
TJ: You were Tina?
DCS: I got married sixty-four times to four different Tonys.
TJ: Wow.
DCS: And it’s very interesting, because here at the Idea Festival yesterday at 4:45, there was a conversation that was dealing with gaming and collective intelligence and models for interactive media. And I feel that the structure of “Tony and Tina’s”, and the way it involved, being an event-based improv, with very solid, very defined roles, clearly defined circumstances, pre-worked-out stories and relationships, strongly defined, and a narrative defined, where there were over 40 beats that everybody was kept on track by the music. So if it was “Vogue”, then it was “Okay, right after ‘Vogue’, grandma falls down – I need to go get the olives.” You know, I almost have a kind of Pavlovian response to certain song cues because of doing this sort of production.
But what’s interesting about it is that, as a model, can be applied to a multimedia format. So coming to somewhere like here, you go, “Okay, who knew that wearing a wedding dress and screaming (in exaggerated Italian-American accent) “Two beers for the bride” – that that’s going to get you to a place where, you know, one day you’re talking about a story arc that can sustain participation from non-gamers and people who plug into it. It’s a wild thing. You never know where it’s going to take you.
TJ: What year did you play Tina?
DCS: I’m aging myself. I think it was 2000.
TJ: Oh, 2000?
DCS: I think.
TJ: That was a little while back, but you remember it so well, though.
DCS: It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done and I loved it. I was dancing, and at one time singing. I’m not a musical theatre person, um, but there’s a lip sync number, and it went out and the tape didn’t work, and the wedding band had to go up, and there I am singing “Cold-Hearted Snake” and trying to do all the moves to it. But it was just, you know, baptism by fire. Just throw yourself into it and go. It was wonderful.
TJ: In 2007, I read somewhere that you adapted a novel into a screenplay that got optioned? What’s the novel and is there anything new on that front?
DCS: It was called Saturn’s Return to New York. It was written by Sara Gran. It was her first novel. She is a wonderful writer. Very interesting. What’s interesting is that it was optioned and the company did not move forward on it.
It’s a story – at least this is my spin on it – it’s a story of a mother and daughter who are divided by the death of the father. And in a way, they come back together over the course of this one year as the mother’s health spirals down. And the mom’s response to the father’s death to kind of honor him and build an empire around him. And the daughter’s response was, in some ways, to kind of shut down around it and kind of not trust her love. It’s a very internal story of watching somebody change and come to a place of being willing to risk loving again. And I also think it’s a little bit of a love story to New York.
TJ: Have you met Sara Gran?
DCS: Yes. And she is brilliant and funny and she has written a couple of books since then. And she is a delight. I think people should go out and read her stuff.
TJ: Now, you’ve been in the business a long time. You’ve been to the Oscars. Have you ever been star-struck in your life? And do you still get star-struck?
DCS: Oh, goodness yes. But what’s funny about this is that it happens around things I – you wouldn’t expect.
Like, I think the first time it happened for me was meeting Bonnie Raitt. I was just – I think she’s incredible. It’s very funny, because to me, music is so close to magic. “Wait a second – you get this little glimmer of something and it’s from the ether and then you write it down and it happens?” To me, that’s still magic. Where movies are definitely magic, and in theatres, there’s still that sense of possibility that anything can happen, that feels like magic. But being in front of a camera, behind a camera, backstage, in the audience, living in it, sometimes it doesn’t seem as magic. You know, that little kid awe? I still have that around music. The only thing I could say was, “I love your music” and then I felt like an idiot.
But I think the only other time it happened was meeting Gregory Peck. Really, you just go, “Oh.” It’s an unexpected wattage, the old kind of movie star, that’s amazing. It was just, “Oh my goodness.” Yeah. It comes up. And I’m also working on stories with roles in them for actors who are really incredible and very established and there are moments where it’s like, “oh my goodness, you know, how do I speak to this person?” But, well, like, you do. You know, it’s the material.
TJ: Final question. What role did you enjoy playing more? Dawn the heroin addict or the Bluebird of Happiness from Peter and the Wolf in the fifth grade?
DCS: (Hearty laugh) Well, those are definitely apples and zebras right there. Well, I first got bit by the bug with the Bluebird of Happiness. However, unfortunately, the stage curtain was closed on me when I went to take a bow. So it was a tainted memory. But once you got bitten by the bug, you got bitten by the bug.
TJ: What was your last stage performance?
DCS: The last thing I did was Dorothy Parker’s and Arnaud d’Usseau’s play (“The Ladies of the Corridor”) on stage in New York where I got to play an alcoholic who kills herself seven times a week. It was really fun.
TJ: She kills herself seven times a week?
DCS: Well, I got to do it seven times a week. Delightful! You know, from heroin addict to alcoholic to, you know. Dawn lived and Mildred died.
TJ: Do you like the darker roles or the more comedic roles?
DCS: Oh, they’re so different. Comedy is so hard. It’s like a science, you know, in terms of finding how it’s funny. It doesn’t always –
TJ: Right. And there’s different kinds of funny.
DCS: Exactly. The rhythm of things. You know, I’ve got to say, I have a good time with – if there’s stuff to be done, it’s more about – it’s what’s there to invest in, whether it’s comedy or drama. What’s the meat on the bones for the part?
“Trees, trees, trees,”
